"You Just Facebook'd Your Relationship."

Facebook is the Ramen Noodles of love. Cooks in under 5 minutes, tastes delicious, and is cheap enough to share with everyone.

Just so you know, the title of this blog is to be taken as a negative. I am now using that phrase as my maxim of choice whenever someone reveals a little too much about their relationships on Facebook.

I think sometimes we forget that Facebook is a public forum. It's for entertainment purposes. It is not to be taken seriously. Think of it as the reality show of the internet. We are peering into other people's lives for just a glimpse. Not the entire picture. Can you really get a true sense of a person by the bread crumbs they drop us throughout the day?

Now with all that said, let's talk about YOU:

"I see you're in a relationship now. Congratulations! I'm very happy for you. You two seem like a great couple from all the pictures I've seen you post. How was your intimate dinner last night at Waffle House? Oh, and did you guys steal a Christmas tree together? I see that you must really love her from that cute message about her butt dimples you left on her wall. That's sweet. And what's that? You posted that he's taking you to the Bahamas? Nice! I only wish I could meet someone just like that. You guys seem so perfect!"

The perfect relationship. Hundreds of eyes on the both of you. Reading about you. Celebrating you. Anticipating you and the inevitable wedding that must surely be coming. If only the "single" status person watching (peeking in on your page) could find someone JUST....LIKE...THAT.

Someone very smart once told me that the comparing mind, is a destructive mind. Facebook has changed the face (no pun intended) of relationships (and how we acknowledge love) forever. Saying "I love you" is no longer an intimate rite-of-passage between two consenting people who truly love each other. It's now shouted to the high heavens for everyone to know. So everyone can rejoice in that love, and praise these two people for gettin' it on!

We're so willing to show people and let people know how happy we are, that we allow a little monster to take control of us [No, not THAT little monster]. The little blue eyed monster called narcissism (I'm assuming that's the color of narcissism because I'm awesome). Everybody has a little narcissism in them. Facebook was custom created for narcissists. You only post a status update to get comments. You hunger for comments. For interaction. You crave the attention. The more the better. Narcissism is the V-6 engine (with a Hemi) of Facebook.

And now you're probably wondering, "If you think so badly about Facebook, why are you even on it?" Well... because I'm narcissistic. Did you really not know that? Why else would I have a blog? So it can sit here unread? No way. Everything we do or say online, no matter how large or small, is narcissistic. Don't be ashamed of it. There's no need to be. As human beings, we are only doing what our instincts tell us to do. We need to be accepted. We need to be heard.

But that can eventually get us into trouble. Our need to be showered with praise drives us to reveal more and more about ourselves than we used to. Facebook has made it much easier to connect with people and to meet new people. To get into relationships, and to leave others. And the problem is, everyone knows it. There is no privacy anymore. And there is now so much weight put into "relationship statuses" that you're not "officially" in a relationship until you post it on Facebook for everyone to know. "I didn't know you two were dating!! I didn't see anything on Facebook."

And why wouldn't you want the world to know that you're happy and in a relationship? Before Facebook, we had to tell each person one-at-a-time how happy we were. We had to send out postcards and letters. Now with the snap of the keyboard and the click of a mouse, we can tell everyone instantly.

But after that hoorah of applause simmers, then the GREEN-eyed monster takes hold and you'll start to hear the comparisons:

SuzieQ: " Tom just posted on Sally's page that he loves her and bought her a diamond necklace hand chiseled by orphan villagers in Tibet. How come you never post that on my wall and buy me diamond necklaces? "

Cletus: "Well, I just told you I loved you on the phone not 10 minutes ago. And I got you diamond earrings last month. Isn't that enough?"

SuzieQ: "No. Everyone should know how you feel and what you buy me!!"

The only way to express true love in this new era is to post it on Facebook. Post it in pictures. Post your plans and all the special things he/she did for you. Say it every day so everyone knows. No secrets. Every...single...person...MUST...KNOW. Must feed off their praise. Feed off their jealousy. Must feed off the attention. Mmmmmm, this Ramen tastes delicious!

How did we, as civilized human beings, ever know two people loved each other before Facebook? Did we run out and tell all of our friends, then go tell our business associates, then run into a restaurant we really liked and tell the people there, and then call up that one dude you met at a party five years ago and tell him. Or did you wear a t-shirt with the words "In a Relationship with Susie" emblazoned on the front everyday?

Nope, you let people figure it out for themselves by how you interacted with your mate. By how you looked them in the eyes, and touched them on the back. By how you whispered in their ear and brought a smile to their face. By how you talked about them. This wasn't for show. You didn't care one bit if people were watching or not. This was between just the two of you. That's what intimacy is. Intimacy is not the pre-meditated wall post of "I love you" for everyone to see, with the explicit knowledge that everyone will see it. It wasn't something we had to prove..."See, I really do love this person. I just said so in my status update!"

But because of Facebook, it's no longer good enough to just say "I love you" in person. You need to scream it out loud for everyone to hear, and if they don't hear you just have to scream louder and more often. You have to say it daily. You have to acknowledge the love in the digital realm before it can truly mean anything - like Cletus and SuzieQ are doing down the street. And then when it doesn't work out, and you put that dreaded "single" status up, everyone will ask "What happened? You guys seemed so happy....based on what I read on Facebook."

This blog isn't a hate letter to everyone who is in love and showing it. It's not a discouragement to happy couples who want people to know they're happy. I'm not going to leave nasty messages of "Get a room!" to friends whenever they post "I love you" on each other's wall. I actually somewhat enjoy seeing it when two people have finally found someone. I just want people to be aware that sometimes what we read is not necessarily real. Only those two people know what is real between them. But for the people reading it, don't take it to heart. Facebook can, and will be, smoke and mirrors. Simple entertainment. Let's not treat it so seriously. It's not the world. It's not "real" life. Take everything with a grain of salt. The comparing mind, is a destructive mind. And please, let's try to keep a few things just to ourselves. Some things are better left said in the privacy of your own home. It's what Cletus would want.

33 is the new 33...

Remember when you turned 21 and everything just instantly changed? The world was suddenly your playground. Everything became accessible. You could do anything, be anything, smoke anything. Then you turned 30 (or not - just pretend you have) and it was a little scary at first, because you knew you were now officially an adult. A grown-up with responsibilities. You realized you needed to learn how to bank. How to invest in an IRA. How to get your clothes dry cleaned. How to do your taxes. How to eat a steak without using just your hands. You were entering new territory.

...And then 31 hit. Blahhhh. Just a number closer to your inevitable gray hair and high waisted pants. Each year after 30 is like reducing your cruise control by 5 miles, when you started the trip at 75 mph. You may not feel like you're slowing down whatsoever, but you secretly know in your mind that you can't do things like you used to. You can't pull all-nighters anymore without looking like a troll doll the next day. You can't work out hardcore in the gym without pulling something. You can't eat 3 lbs of chili because you'll get heartburn. And you can't make jokes about troll dolls without really aging yourself.

So here I am. About to hit 60 mph on the highway of old (don't be lazy, do the math). About to endeavor on yet another boring number in my 30's. It wouldn't be so bad if I actually looked my age, but since I'm cursed with handsome youthful looks - it's torture. It also doesn't help that I have the mental capacity of a 90-year-old at this point. So I guess this means it's introspection time. The standard question we all ask ourselves: "What have I accomplished with my life so far"?

I equate life to a video game. Every year is a new different level. Last year you may have beat Bowser and saved the princess, but this is a new year and Bowser's back and angrier than ever...and in 3D. So how do you get to the next level? How do you beat Bowser this year when he's roid raging and foaming at the mouth....in 3D? Well, I guess (like in video games) you need to have goals. Goals that will help ward off the boredom that is "life". If we didn't accomplish our goals in life (or at least try), then the game would be over. Life would be pointless. Might as well just sit on the couch and waste away.

And so I present to you my list of goals that will help me reach the next level in life. To be completed by November 17th, 2011 (we'll start with the easier ones and build to the more difficult ones).



1) Take another cruise.


2) Learn how to do the Merengue (Latin dance).


3) Learn how to say merengue.


4) Find out if lemon merengue pies are real, or just something I made up by not knowing how to say merengue.


5) Color my hair blond to see if I look like a Japanese Anime character.


6) Learn how to shoot fireballs out of my hands. (on the condition Goal #5 is successful)


7) Make more money by doing nothing.


8) Come down sick with a cold, but rename it specifically after myself and call it a "hot".


9) Learn how to "dry cry" while watching sad movies. (crying without tears so you don't look so much like the sissy you are)


10) Create a database of demotivational quotes for cats. "Those who meow, don't matter. And those who matter, don't meow."


11) Spend an entire day only communicating with people using a Handface (you know, when you make a fist, draw eyes on your knuckles and use your thumb as a moving mouth)


12) Punch Justin Bieber in the face (I think we all know why)


13) Teach my Handface how to beatbox.


14) Find the girl of my dreams...then ask her why she's always trying to murder me in my dreams.


15) Procure a patent for the HD Window. "Looking out this window is so lifelike. It's like I'm there."


16) Eat the leftovers in my refrigerator AFTER they've already expired to build up my immunities (or just to see if I develop any mutant powers).


17) Read a book...in 3D


18) Vacuum my yard.


19) Invent a "Theme Song app" that allows you to walk around to your own theme song depending on mood and environment. Shaft!!


20) Find the cure for cancer by using only Gummi Bears. The cure is in there somewhere. I know it!




Now it would be great if I could mark every item off this list by my next birthday, but if I don't - no big worries. I plan on living forever anyway. That's right! I'm hedging my bets that by the time I'm 60, immortality will have been discovered. I'm putting my trust in the scientists (or the hippies), whichever one happens to discover the fountain of youth first. All hail those that are smarter than us (or willing to test weird drugs on themselves). Peace out.

Alex's Awesome Guide to Parenting: A How-To For Raising a Tiny Human

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you think "Alex"? That's right! Great parent! Now even though I don't have any kids (Que the standard "...that I know of" joke and throw in a rim shot while you're at it), I like to think I'd make a great parent one day. I've watched a lot of tv and movies and I'm confident that puts me in a good position to give parenting advice. So with great pleasure, I present to you "Alex's Awesome Guide to Parenting: A How-To For Raising A Tiny Human." And stay tuned for the next chapter in my series - "Alex's Guide to Selling Your Kids: A How-To For Getting Rid of That Annoying Tiny Human Living With You."


Let's go in order and start at the beginning stage, shall we:


Baby Stage ( aka "Is That All It Does?" Stage)


Rule #1: Always feed your baby before midnight. If you feed them after midnight, I'm pretty sure your baby will go into a cocoon state and emerge as an "evil gremlin baby".


Rule #2: Always change the baby's diapers from the right or left side of the baby, not facing it. Babies are known to pee only while you're changing the diaper, and they have incredible aim.


Rule #3: When going out in public with a baby, these are the appropriate methods of transportation: A safe reliable stroller. A baby seat. A baby backpack. One of those baby hammocks that tie around your neck. A large fashionable purse or bag (make sure the baby's head pokes out of the top for maximum cuteness).


Rule #4: To stop a baby from crying all night long, feed it ice cream and talk to it about its feelings. For girl babies, manicures and shopping will also help. Boy babies don't cry, so you don't have to worry about that.


Rule #5: If you are a female, never wear low-cut or revealing clothing around babies. Babies are well-documented perverts and love ogling women's breasts.


Rule #6: The proper way to bathe a baby is to use a soft washcloth with mild soap, and gently swipe warm water over it. Lighting candles and playing a Yanni CD is highly recommended to enhance the baby's experience.


Rule #7: Never smell a baby for more than 5 seconds. Babies give off a natural pheromone that instantly turns people into unintelligible idiots. If you've been affected, you'll recognize it when you begin speaking in tongues and making goofy faces. The only cure is to quarantine yourself.




Toddler Stage (aka "I'm Pretty Sure It's a Tiny Drunk Version of Me" Stage)


Rule #1: Never give a toddler candy. Candy is the human equivalent of crack to a toddler. Instead, give your toddler crack. Crack is the human equivalent of candy to a toddler.


Rule #2: Teaching your toddler how to sing "Crank That" by Soulja Boy is heavily frowned upon. Instead, teach them how to sing "Get Low" by Lil Jon. Those lyrics make a lot more sense.


Rule #3: Dressing up your toddler as a miniature version of you is not o.k. The only exception is if you truly commit and glue miniature facial hair to them as well. There's nothing more hilarious than a toddler with facial hair. (except maybe armpit hair)


Rule #4: Toddler's should never be allowed to sit in the front seat of a vehicle. They always pick the crappiest music to listen to.


Rule #5: If you are a single parent, using a toddler to pick-up potential dates is acceptable. Using them to pick-up your pet's droppings while out walking the dog is not. (this should only be done in the "Child Stage" when their hands are larger for grasping)


Rule #6: Toddlers are known to be very clumsy. If your toddler happens to fall down while you're watching them, make sure you point and laugh first. This will let them know it's not ok to fall down.


Rule #7: When teaching your toddler how to communicate with words, try to teach them the completely wrong words for objects. For example: If you're teaching them the word for "Car", tell them that it's a "Donkey". This will help stave off any potential parental boredom in the future stages.




Child Stage (aka "You're Breaking All My Stuff" Stage)


Rule #1: Children greatly dislike taking baths. To remedy this, put green food coloring in the bathtub and tell them it's toxic waste that might give them super mutant powers if they jump in.


Rule #2: Teaching your child how to play sports is of the utmost importance. This is the equivalent of investing in a Roth IRA for retirement, except so much smarter. If your child does not show signs of athleticism, keep having children until you finally get one that is good at sports.


Rule #3: It's ok to let your child watch scary movies. This is a great teaching tool. For example: If you want your child to clean his/her room - just tell them that if they don't clean their room Freddy's gonna come get them. It's sort of like using the "being good" Santa Clause method, except way more fun.


Rule #4: Children are well-known kleptomaniacs. They're going to end up stealing something whether you want them to or not. So make sure when they do - it's something you can actually use. Like an Ipod or a machine gun.


Rule #5: Encourage your child to use curse words as often as possible. This way you can use them to tell someone you hate to go "f@#$ themselves" without risking getting punched in the face. Kids say the darndest things...


Rule #6: Children really aren't at an age where they know what's fashionable or not. Definitely take advantage of their ignorance for as long as you can. I prefer the "Everyday is Halloween" method of dressing. You can even do theme weeks - like vegetable costumes one week, and then tiny ninjas the next.


Rule #7: To avoid having a bratty child, never give them anything but the necessities. Things you can give them: food, water, clothes, shelter. Things to avoid: video games, tv, pizza, love.

...And there you have it. I hope all of you parents and future parents learned something. Now go put my advice to good use and git yo parenting on!

Diamond in the Rough

Once in a lifetime.

That's about how often great discoveries happen. If you're really lucky: Twice..maybe. But for most of us, it will be one time or less. And when that moment occurs, every bone in your body quivers with the excitement that something very special has just been found. I am honored to say that I have, for the first time in my life, experienced my one great discovery.

It all began with a ribald night of chocolate and charity (A silent auction fundraiser). Sugar coursing through my veins , I was on a natural high. And the alcohol certainly aided in my contentment. I was right smack dab in the "sweet spot" of relaxation and zen. As I eyed the silent auction tables from afar, I caught a glimmer of something. A twinkle - as if this object were winking only at me. It sat there on the table as just a blur at first, but I knew that I had to make my way over. It was my destiny. I walked slowly towards the light, each step bringing the object more and more into focus. By the time I made it to the table, everything became clear. I was blind, but now I see! My eyes dilated fully to take in all of the beauty. It was truly spectacular to behold.

Maybe it was the combination of alcohol and chocolate, but I felt at that moment that I had found my purpose in life. It was to bid on this item. Words can't possibly describe the beauty of this treasure, so I will just have to show you. Now be warned: Something like this (even though it is only a photograph) can still blind you with its beauty. You may want to sit down first:


Behold!




And from another angle:



After I took a deep breath to calm myself, I began to examine the piece. I could not believe my luck! No one had bid on it yet. In a room of 300 people, I had managed to be the only one who truly realized what was in front of me. I leaned over to my friend Jamie and whispered "I've found what I came here for."

From the accurate hand molded replication of a frankfurter, to the color variations on the jade plate - I knew that the artist was a undiscovered genius. The lifelike depictions were truly uncanny. I almost thought someone had taken real objects and placed them onto a plate. But after careful analyzation I realized that the objects were indeed fabrications. I also realized that the artist had a lot to say about humanity. From the thoughtfully positioned strawberry, to the carefully wrapped mint - this piece represented the heartbreak of childhood and the insecurities of manhood. We were all human. I'm not sure what the stick of butter stands for, but I know Paula Deen would have been proud.

After slowly contemplating how much I would have to bid, I finally made the difficult decision against it. I thought it would have been selfish to keep this art for myself. It was meant to be seen by the world. Meant to be celebrated. But as my good fortune would have it - Jamie (recognizing my inner battle over the piece) decided to find someone to place a bid on my behalf. Sometimes people can still surprise you by their thoughtfulness. What a truly kind act of generosity. I'm not sure how I could ever repay her, but I will one day. And ohhhh you better believe I will get her back.

Well, long story short - I now own a piece of modern art. And I need your help to tell me where to display this magnificent achievement in my house.

Here are a few ideas I've had...


On my end table:























As the center piece on my dining room table:

























In my bathroom:

In my bedroom:

Next to a cat:



















On my head like a hat:

Annnndddd.....Whoops! How did that get in there?

One New Thing fail...

I suck at doing One New Thing a day. Oh well, back to doing Crack.

One New Thing A Day - Day 1 (7/6/10)

My very first foray into the unknown was a simple endeavor. At my gym there lives a ferocious beast. A sharp-fanged blood thirsty machine that is feared by most, if not all. This brute’s name is Jacob’s Ladder. A torturous looking device that I never dared set foot or hand upon. Laying dormant in the center of a sea of treadmills, it waits. Unassuming, yet deadly. I’ve seen many a person try to tackle this machine only to be tossed aside, face-first in their own pool of sweat. I had never even considered taking it on, but with new promises – come new adventures.

So I stroll up to the legendary creature and begin to circle it. I size it up with a squint in my eyes, so as to avoid any direct eye contact. A crowd of onlookers from the treadmills recognize what I am about to do, and wait with gasped breath. There’s no going back now.

I gaze upon the instructions printed on the side. If not for the easy-to-decipher pictogram, I would have been totally lost. I read it once. Nothing made sense. I glance around the room to make sure I haven’t been identified as a fraud just yet. Then I read the instructions again. I manage to identify Step 1. I have to attach myself to the machine. Attach myself with a belt that I see on the ground. And chained to the belt is a single threaded steal wire that disappears into the guts of the beast. I am becoming one with the machine.

After I click the belt around my waist, I proceed to mount this foul creature. I place my feet on the bottom rungs, and then lift my body and place my arms at the top rungs. The belt tightens and then begins to pull on the steal wire. As I climb up the rungs, they begin to move. I realize that the Jacob’s Ladder was appropriately named, for I must move my body as if I am climbing a ladder. An endless ladder of pain!

Actually, it wasn’t that bad. The higher I climb the faster the ladder goes. And then I’m off. Five minutes of the most exhilarating feeling I’ve ever had (not really though). I conquered the beast! And it had turned out to be a pussy cat. What a great accomplishment. Day 1 was complete.

One New Thing A Day - Day 3 (7/8/10)

So here’s the deal: I’m bored with everything. Nothing thrills me anymore. Life has become a revolving door and the scenery is always the same. I’m at a point in my life where I need to get clarity soon or else I’m going to disintegrate into averageness. I wasn’t built to be average. I don’t think I was created to be run-of-the-mill. Call it narcissism. Call it an early mid-life crisis. Call it what you will. All I know is something needs to change. And I have the power to change it.

And this is how I’m going to do it. With an experiment. With a human subject. A good-looking, suave and sophisticated Asian subject with a killer smile. That’s right! Jackie Chan. And since I don’t have the means of contacting Jackie Chan, I’ll just have to use myself.

This is my master plan: For the next 365 days, I’m going to attempt to do one thing – each day – that I’ve never done before. It doesn’t have to be huge or extravagant. It just needs to be something new. Something different that I’m not used to. And I’m going to use this blog as a virtual checks-and-balances. I want everyone to hold me responsible for keeping up with this task. If I miss a day, then I’ve already failed. This is the perfect time in my life to do this. I have no ties. No family. No kids. I’m not dating anyone. I don’t have any life threatening diseases that I know of (besides Awesomeitis). And I’m not bound to any one place. I’m a clean slate looking to get a bit messy. And ideas are always welcome.



Note: (This post is actually my third day of doing my One New Thing plan. I'm counting writing in my blog consistently as something that is new to me, hence the title "Day 3")