(Caution: Use at your own risk)
So I consider myself an expert at dating…..an expert at doing everything wrong. I think my track record of unsuccessful dates speaks for itself. Therefore, this qualifies me to give dating advice (I’m drawing this conclusion by citing the Cruise vs. Lauer case. Don’t be glib. I’ve done the research).
And why this topic? Well, I was thinking that I haven’t gone out on many dates in the past few months. Haven’t really wanted to (I’ve got my reasons). At least I’m pretty sure I haven’t asked anyone out (but I don’t really know what qualifies as asking someone out on a date anymore). Apparently, just having dinner with someone qualifies as a date to some people. Can’t a guy just be hungry and want company? And then there’s the people who think that being at the same event at the same time is considered a date (really?). I’ve been questioned before by others about when I started dating the person I was with, and my response has always been “I Unno” - as in, “I don’t know”. So I’m not that great at identifying what exactly qualifies as a date, but I am great at identifying when I think it’s a date.
And these are some of the things I have learned that I now pass on to you:
-Never ever invite the girl to meet at your house before the date. This is a mistake. Then she knows where you live. If possible, arrange to meet at an abandoned warehouse.
-Don’t bring a girl flowers on the first date. This screams “desperate”. Instead, bring her a vase filled with only water. Then tell her that if she ever wants to see the flowers alive again, she’ll wire $10,000 to the bank account written on vase. This will show her that you mean business.
-When you arrive at the restaurant, make sure you park close to the entrance. This ensures that your date doesn’t see how winded and sweaty you get when you have to walk more than 10 feet.
-Always open doors for your date. If the door is one of those deceptively heavy doors (the ones that make you look like a weakling because you didn’t expect it to be so difficult to open), remember to overcompensate when you leave by slamming that door open (that’ll show it who’s boss!).
-At dinner, order the most expensive item on the menu for yourself. You don’t want to appear cheap. Then keep the receipt so that later you can write off the meal on your taxes as a “business dinner”.
-If you happen to get your food before your date, don’t start eating it and then taunting your date with the “I’m Eating and You’re Not” song you just made up.
-Bring breath mints. Specifically Mentos. It’s the fresh maker. It can also make your Diet Coke explode and that’s pretty awesome.
-If she offers to pay for the meal, don’t argue and just let her. Then closely watch her face. If she appears angry, then it was just her playing a game of “let me get it, no I’ll get it…” and she really wanted you to pay. This makes her a liar liar pants on fire.
-If the date’s not going well, whatever you do don’t ask her if she’s got any hot friends that you can meet up with later.
-Make sure you make eye contact during the date, but not too much eye contact. For some weird reason people find it creepy if you stare with your eyes wide open without blinking or talking for extended periods.
-It’s ok to kiss on the first date. However, it’s not ok to pretend to go in for a kiss and then at the last second yell “PSYCH! You just got OWND!” and walk away.
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