Shilex's Dating Rules

[written one-year ago on my Facebook - still relevant]


(Caution: Use at your own risk)



So I consider myself an expert at dating…..an expert at doing everything wrong. I think my track record of unsuccessful dates speaks for itself. Therefore, this qualifies me to give dating advice (I’m drawing this conclusion by citing the Cruise vs. Lauer case. Don’t be glib. I’ve done the research).

And why this topic? Well, I was thinking that I haven’t gone out on many dates in the past few months. Haven’t really wanted to (I’ve got my reasons). At least I’m pretty sure I haven’t asked anyone out (but I don’t really know what qualifies as asking someone out on a date anymore). Apparently, just having dinner with someone qualifies as a date to some people. Can’t a guy just be hungry and want company? And then there’s the people who think that being at the same event at the same time is considered a date (really?). I’ve been questioned before by others about when I started dating the person I was with, and my response has always been “I Unno” - as in, “I don’t know”. So I’m not that great at identifying what exactly qualifies as a date, but I am great at identifying when I think it’s a date.


And these are some of the things I have learned that I now pass on to you:


-Never ever invite the girl to meet at your house before the date. This is a mistake. Then she knows where you live. If possible, arrange to meet at an abandoned warehouse.


-Don’t bring a girl flowers on the first date. This screams “desperate”. Instead, bring her a vase filled with only water. Then tell her that if she ever wants to see the flowers alive again, she’ll wire $10,000 to the bank account written on vase. This will show her that you mean business.


-When you arrive at the restaurant, make sure you park close to the entrance. This ensures that your date doesn’t see how winded and sweaty you get when you have to walk more than 10 feet.


-Always open doors for your date. If the door is one of those deceptively heavy doors (the ones that make you look like a weakling because you didn’t expect it to be so difficult to open), remember to overcompensate when you leave by slamming that door open (that’ll show it who’s boss!).


-At dinner, order the most expensive item on the menu for yourself. You don’t want to appear cheap. Then keep the receipt so that later you can write off the meal on your taxes as a “business dinner”.


-If you happen to get your food before your date, don’t start eating it and then taunting your date with the “I’m Eating and You’re Not” song you just made up.


-Bring breath mints. Specifically Mentos. It’s the fresh maker. It can also make your Diet Coke explode and that’s pretty awesome.


-If she offers to pay for the meal, don’t argue and just let her. Then closely watch her face. If she appears angry, then it was just her playing a game of “let me get it, no I’ll get it…” and she really wanted you to pay. This makes her a liar liar pants on fire.


-If the date’s not going well, whatever you do don’t ask her if she’s got any hot friends that you can meet up with later.


-Make sure you make eye contact during the date, but not too much eye contact. For some weird reason people find it creepy if you stare with your eyes wide open without blinking or talking for extended periods.


-It’s ok to kiss on the first date. However, it’s not ok to pretend to go in for a kiss and then at the last second yell “PSYCH! You just got OWND!” and walk away.

Grease Lightning

So I usually consider my ramblings to be of the humorous sort. I will personally label them as "chiclets of funny". Pocket-sized nuggets of hilarious. That's just my opinion, and whether you laugh or not is totally dependent on your sense of humor. Some will chuckle, most will shrug it off as the demented writings of a bored wannabe sitcom writer. Either way, all it takes is one person laughing to bring me pleasure. One person to find relatable humor in something I observed. That right there shows me that I'm not alone. That it's not just a one-man inside joke. With that being said, I'm going to take a serious turn for a change... And if just one person finds something relatable in this - then I'm satisfied.

Before I begin, I want you to do something for me. I want you to come with me to make-believe land. Pretend for the moment (if you can) that politics don't apply. That whether you lean right or left, or up or down - it's not important for the next 5 minutes. Think of it as political purgatory for the purpose of this musing. After you finish reading this you can go off and shout to the high heavens what you believe would make this country a perfect place to live, but for the time being just pretend you have no political views whatsoever.

Ok, now that we've gotten that out of the way (and while you're still here in make-believe land) I want you to imagine something else for me. Hopefully you still have some creative juices left. [I know the agony and exhaustion you're probably experiencing after having to pretend to not have a political affiliation.] So with all the energy you have left, I want you to imagine yourself walking down the street with your significant other (wife, girlfriend, husband, boyfriend, dog, etc). You're strolling without a care in the world, eating ice cream cones with the love of your life. As you're making your way through the city you don't notice that someone is waiting in a dark alley... watching you... biding their time. Slowly waiting for you to pass. Now imagine this faceless person sneaking up behind you with a knife, grabbing you and stabbing the edge into your side. The blade cuts deep into you, and as the mystery man extracts the knife, blood begins pouring out. He flees, and you fall to the ground clutching your side. Your life draining away. Now imagine your significant other casually walking over to a bench, calling 911 with her cellphone, and then finishing her ice cream cone.

This is exactly what I believe is happening right before our eyes with this oil disaster. The Earth has been punctured and is bleeding out, and all we can do is casually finish our ice cream cones while we wait for someone somewhere to get their act together and save this planet. Just to clarify, this isn't a "green" agenda or an "environmental" agenda. It's a "life" agenda. Whether you want to believe it or not, the Earth is a living creature. Like our own human bodies, it functions in miraculous ways we can't explain. Each and every part is important in the survival of this body. And if you take away one piece, the rest will quickly die without it.

I don't consider myself an intellectual (as you can tell by all the grammatical errors littered throughout this rant). I know my shortfalls and I accept them. I wish I knew all the answers because if I did, I would constantly be butting into your business. But I don't. I'm not smart enough to tell someone "Trust me. I know best." But I am smart enough to know this: If someone's bleeding, the quicker we stop that bleeding - the greater the chance that person will survive. I don't have the answer to the question of "How do we stop the oil?", but I do know that someone out there - much smarter than me - must certainly know.

So then why the laissez-faire attitude? Why aren't we doing more? I see a lot of people shouting "Grrrrr. I'm soooo angry!!! Look at all these dead animals!!!" "Let's boycott BP!", yet there still doesn't seem to be any immediacy. How can we just stand by while we watch the complete destruction of our home? The oil leak is only the pebble right now. It's the ripples we need to be worried about. This affects everyone. The Gulf of Mexico is quickly turning into a dead sea and our ecosystem, our food supplies, our health, our climate, and our general well-being will suffer. To say that it would not would be ignorant (or complete denial).

So the question I have to bring up is "What can we do?". This is exactly what I want to know. What can we do? No one actively goes out and looks for something to be depressed about. We go out of our ways not to see depressing things or anything that will affect our sense of happiness. But I do think this is something we should be watching. This is something we should be learning more about and not turning away from. Not so we can be depressed, but so we can be inspired. That's what I need right now. Inspiration. To know that this isn't a hopeless situation and that we can do something. That we can rally together and inspire change, instead of just sitting in our homes and saying "Oh how horrible. BP sucks." and then go about our regular lives as if nothing happened.

Look at all the amazing things we do as human beings when we see another in need. We come together in times of tragedy and surprise even ourselves. All for the sake of saving humanity. So where is our humanity right now? This is more than just dead animals and oil. This is about asking ourselves, "Should I just stand by and finish my ice cream cone while someone else fixes the problem - or should we come together to light a fire beneath the asses of the asses that are handling things?" I need to believe we can, because if we can't then why did we even bother calling 911?