...And then 31 hit. Blahhhh. Just a number closer to your inevitable gray hair and high waisted pants. Each year after 30 is like reducing your cruise control by 5 miles, when you started the trip at 75 mph. You may not feel like you're slowing down whatsoever, but you secretly know in your mind that you can't do things like you used to. You can't pull all-nighters anymore without looking like a troll doll the next day. You can't work out hardcore in the gym without pulling something. You can't eat 3 lbs of chili because you'll get heartburn. And you can't make jokes about troll dolls without really aging yourself.
So here I am. About to hit 60 mph on the highway of old (don't be lazy, do the math). About to endeavor on yet another boring number in my 30's. It wouldn't be so bad if I actually looked my age, but since I'm cursed with handsome youthful looks - it's torture. It also doesn't help that I have the mental capacity of a 90-year-old at this point. So I guess this means it's introspection time. The standard question we all ask ourselves: "What have I accomplished with my life so far"?
I equate life to a video game. Every year is a new different level. Last year you may have beat Bowser and saved the princess, but this is a new year and Bowser's back and angrier than ever...and in 3D. So how do you get to the next level? How do you beat Bowser this year when he's roid raging and foaming at the mouth....in 3D? Well, I guess (like in video games) you need to have goals. Goals that will help ward off the boredom that is "life". If we didn't accomplish our goals in life (or at least try), then the game would be over. Life would be pointless. Might as well just sit on the couch and waste away.
And so I present to you my list of goals that will help me reach the next level in life. To be completed by November 17th, 2011 (we'll start with the easier ones and build to the more difficult ones).
1) Take another cruise.
2) Learn how to do the Merengue (Latin dance).
3) Learn how to say merengue.
4) Find out if lemon merengue pies are real, or just something I made up by not knowing how to say merengue.
5) Color my hair blond to see if I look like a Japanese Anime character.
6) Learn how to shoot fireballs out of my hands. (on the condition Goal #5 is successful)
7) Make more money by doing nothing.
8) Come down sick with a cold, but rename it specifically after myself and call it a "hot".
9) Learn how to "dry cry" while watching sad movies. (crying without tears so you don't look so much like the sissy you are)
10) Create a database of demotivational quotes for cats. "Those who meow, don't matter. And those who matter, don't meow."
11) Spend an entire day only communicating with people using a Handface (you know, when you make a fist, draw eyes on your knuckles and use your thumb as a moving mouth)
12) Punch Justin Bieber in the face (I think we all know why)
13) Teach my Handface how to beatbox.
14) Find the girl of my dreams...then ask her why she's always trying to murder me in my dreams.
15) Procure a patent for the HD Window. "Looking out this window is so lifelike. It's like I'm there."
16) Eat the leftovers in my refrigerator AFTER they've already expired to build up my immunities (or just to see if I develop any mutant powers).
17) Read a book...in 3D
18) Vacuum my yard.
19) Invent a "Theme Song app" that allows you to walk around to your own theme song depending on mood and environment. Shaft!!
20) Find the cure for cancer by using only Gummi Bears. The cure is in there somewhere. I know it!
Now it would be great if I could mark every item off this list by my next birthday, but if I don't - no big worries. I plan on living forever anyway. That's right! I'm hedging my bets that by the time I'm 60, immortality will have been discovered. I'm putting my trust in the scientists (or the hippies), whichever one happens to discover the fountain of youth first. All hail those that are smarter than us (or willing to test weird drugs on themselves). Peace out.
