What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you think "Alex"? That's right! Great parent! Now even though I don't have any kids (Que the standard "...that I know of" joke and throw in a rim shot while you're at it), I like to think I'd make a great parent one day. I've watched a lot of tv and movies and I'm confident that puts me in a good position to give parenting advice. So with great pleasure, I present to you "Alex's Awesome Guide to Parenting: A How-To For Raising A Tiny Human." And stay tuned for the next chapter in my series - "Alex's Guide to Selling Your Kids: A How-To For Getting Rid of That Annoying Tiny Human Living With You."
Let's go in order and start at the beginning stage, shall we:
Baby Stage ( aka "Is That All It Does?" Stage)
Rule #1: Always feed your baby before midnight. If you feed them after midnight, I'm pretty sure your baby will go into a cocoon state and emerge as an "evil gremlin baby".
Rule #2: Always change the baby's diapers from the right or left side of the baby, not facing it. Babies are known to pee only while you're changing the diaper, and they have incredible aim.
Rule #3: When going out in public with a baby, these are the appropriate methods of transportation: A safe reliable stroller. A baby seat. A baby backpack. One of those baby hammocks that tie around your neck. A large fashionable purse or bag (make sure the baby's head pokes out of the top for maximum cuteness).
Rule #4: To stop a baby from crying all night long, feed it ice cream and talk to it about its feelings. For girl babies, manicures and shopping will also help. Boy babies don't cry, so you don't have to worry about that.
Rule #5: If you are a female, never wear low-cut or revealing clothing around babies. Babies are well-documented perverts and love ogling women's breasts.
Rule #6: The proper way to bathe a baby is to use a soft washcloth with mild soap, and gently swipe warm water over it. Lighting candles and playing a Yanni CD is highly recommended to enhance the baby's experience.
Rule #7: Never smell a baby for more than 5 seconds. Babies give off a natural pheromone that instantly turns people into unintelligible idiots. If you've been affected, you'll recognize it when you begin speaking in tongues and making goofy faces. The only cure is to quarantine yourself.
Toddler Stage (aka "I'm Pretty Sure It's a Tiny Drunk Version of Me" Stage)
Rule #1: Never give a toddler candy. Candy is the human equivalent of crack to a toddler. Instead, give your toddler crack. Crack is the human equivalent of candy to a toddler.
Rule #2: Teaching your toddler how to sing "Crank That" by Soulja Boy is heavily frowned upon. Instead, teach them how to sing "Get Low" by Lil Jon. Those lyrics make a lot more sense.
Rule #3: Dressing up your toddler as a miniature version of you is not o.k. The only exception is if you truly commit and glue miniature facial hair to them as well. There's nothing more hilarious than a toddler with facial hair. (except maybe armpit hair)
Rule #4: Toddler's should never be allowed to sit in the front seat of a vehicle. They always pick the crappiest music to listen to.
Rule #5: If you are a single parent, using a toddler to pick-up potential dates is acceptable. Using them to pick-up your pet's droppings while out walking the dog is not. (this should only be done in the "Child Stage" when their hands are larger for grasping)
Rule #6: Toddlers are known to be very clumsy. If your toddler happens to fall down while you're watching them, make sure you point and laugh first. This will let them know it's not ok to fall down.
Rule #7: When teaching your toddler how to communicate with words, try to teach them the completely wrong words for objects. For example: If you're teaching them the word for "Car", tell them that it's a "Donkey". This will help stave off any potential parental boredom in the future stages.
Child Stage (aka "You're Breaking All My Stuff" Stage)
Rule #1: Children greatly dislike taking baths. To remedy this, put green food coloring in the bathtub and tell them it's toxic waste that might give them super mutant powers if they jump in.
Rule #2: Teaching your child how to play sports is of the utmost importance. This is the equivalent of investing in a Roth IRA for retirement, except so much smarter. If your child does not show signs of athleticism, keep having children until you finally get one that is good at sports.
Rule #3: It's ok to let your child watch scary movies. This is a great teaching tool. For example: If you want your child to clean his/her room - just tell them that if they don't clean their room Freddy's gonna come get them. It's sort of like using the "being good" Santa Clause method, except way more fun.
Rule #4: Children are well-known kleptomaniacs. They're going to end up stealing something whether you want them to or not. So make sure when they do - it's something you can actually use. Like an Ipod or a machine gun.
Rule #5: Encourage your child to use curse words as often as possible. This way you can use them to tell someone you hate to go "f@#$ themselves" without risking getting punched in the face. Kids say the darndest things...
Rule #6: Children really aren't at an age where they know what's fashionable or not. Definitely take advantage of their ignorance for as long as you can. I prefer the "Everyday is Halloween" method of dressing. You can even do theme weeks - like vegetable costumes one week, and then tiny ninjas the next.
Rule #7: To avoid having a bratty child, never give them anything but the necessities. Things you can give them: food, water, clothes, shelter. Things to avoid: video games, tv, pizza, love.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Diamond in the Rough
Once in a lifetime.
That's about how often great discoveries happen. If you're really lucky: Twice..maybe. But for most of us, it will be one time or less. And when that moment occurs, every bone in your body quivers with the excitement that something very special has just been found. I am honored to say that I have, for the first time in my life, experienced my one great discovery.
It all began with a ribald night of chocolate and charity (A silent auction fundraiser). Sugar coursing through my veins , I was on a natural high. And the alcohol certainly aided in my contentment. I was right smack dab in the "sweet spot" of relaxation and zen. As I eyed the silent auction tables from afar, I caught a glimmer of something. A twinkle - as if this object were winking only at me. It sat there on the table as just a blur at first, but I knew that I had to make my way over. It was my destiny. I walked slowly towards the light, each step bringing the object more and more into focus. By the time I made it to the table, everything became clear. I was blind, but now I see! My eyes dilated fully to take in all of the beauty. It was truly spectacular to behold.
Maybe it was the combination of alcohol and chocolate, but I felt at that moment that I had found my purpose in life. It was to bid on this item. Words can't possibly describe the beauty of this treasure, so I will just have to show you. Now be warned: Something like this (even though it is only a photograph) can still blind you with its beauty. You may want to sit down first:
Behold!
And from another angle:
After I took a deep breath to calm myself, I began to examine the piece. I could not believe my luck! No one had bid on it yet. In a room of 300 people, I had managed to be the only one who truly realized what was in front of me. I leaned over to my friend Jamie and whispered "I've found what I came here for."
From the accurate hand molded replication of a frankfurter, to the color variations on the jade plate - I knew that the artist was a undiscovered genius. The lifelike depictions were truly uncanny. I almost thought someone had taken real objects and placed them onto a plate. But after careful analyzation I realized that the objects were indeed fabrications. I also realized that the artist had a lot to say about humanity. From the thoughtfully positioned strawberry, to the carefully wrapped mint - this piece represented the heartbreak of childhood and the insecurities of manhood. We were all human. I'm not sure what the stick of butter stands for, but I know Paula Deen would have been proud.
After slowly contemplating how much I would have to bid, I finally made the difficult decision against it. I thought it would have been selfish to keep this art for myself. It was meant to be seen by the world. Meant to be celebrated. But as my good fortune would have it - Jamie (recognizing my inner battle over the piece) decided to find someone to place a bid on my behalf. Sometimes people can still surprise you by their thoughtfulness. What a truly kind act of generosity. I'm not sure how I could ever repay her, but I will one day. And ohhhh you better believe I will get her back.
Well, long story short - I now own a piece of modern art. And I need your help to tell me where to display this magnificent achievement in my house.
Here are a few ideas I've had...
On my end table:
As the center piece on my dining room table:
In my bathroom:
In my bedroom:
Next to a cat:
On my head like a hat:
Annnndddd.....Whoops! How did that get in there?
That's about how often great discoveries happen. If you're really lucky: Twice..maybe. But for most of us, it will be one time or less. And when that moment occurs, every bone in your body quivers with the excitement that something very special has just been found. I am honored to say that I have, for the first time in my life, experienced my one great discovery.
It all began with a ribald night of chocolate and charity (A silent auction fundraiser). Sugar coursing through my veins , I was on a natural high. And the alcohol certainly aided in my contentment. I was right smack dab in the "sweet spot" of relaxation and zen. As I eyed the silent auction tables from afar, I caught a glimmer of something. A twinkle - as if this object were winking only at me. It sat there on the table as just a blur at first, but I knew that I had to make my way over. It was my destiny. I walked slowly towards the light, each step bringing the object more and more into focus. By the time I made it to the table, everything became clear. I was blind, but now I see! My eyes dilated fully to take in all of the beauty. It was truly spectacular to behold.
Maybe it was the combination of alcohol and chocolate, but I felt at that moment that I had found my purpose in life. It was to bid on this item. Words can't possibly describe the beauty of this treasure, so I will just have to show you. Now be warned: Something like this (even though it is only a photograph) can still blind you with its beauty. You may want to sit down first:
Behold!
And from another angle:
After I took a deep breath to calm myself, I began to examine the piece. I could not believe my luck! No one had bid on it yet. In a room of 300 people, I had managed to be the only one who truly realized what was in front of me. I leaned over to my friend Jamie and whispered "I've found what I came here for."
From the accurate hand molded replication of a frankfurter, to the color variations on the jade plate - I knew that the artist was a undiscovered genius. The lifelike depictions were truly uncanny. I almost thought someone had taken real objects and placed them onto a plate. But after careful analyzation I realized that the objects were indeed fabrications. I also realized that the artist had a lot to say about humanity. From the thoughtfully positioned strawberry, to the carefully wrapped mint - this piece represented the heartbreak of childhood and the insecurities of manhood. We were all human. I'm not sure what the stick of butter stands for, but I know Paula Deen would have been proud.
After slowly contemplating how much I would have to bid, I finally made the difficult decision against it. I thought it would have been selfish to keep this art for myself. It was meant to be seen by the world. Meant to be celebrated. But as my good fortune would have it - Jamie (recognizing my inner battle over the piece) decided to find someone to place a bid on my behalf. Sometimes people can still surprise you by their thoughtfulness. What a truly kind act of generosity. I'm not sure how I could ever repay her, but I will one day. And ohhhh you better believe I will get her back.
Well, long story short - I now own a piece of modern art. And I need your help to tell me where to display this magnificent achievement in my house.
Here are a few ideas I've had...
On my end table:
As the center piece on my dining room table:
In my bathroom:
In my bedroom:
Next to a cat:
On my head like a hat:
Annnndddd.....Whoops! How did that get in there?
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