33 is the new 33...

Remember when you turned 21 and everything just instantly changed? The world was suddenly your playground. Everything became accessible. You could do anything, be anything, smoke anything. Then you turned 30 (or not - just pretend you have) and it was a little scary at first, because you knew you were now officially an adult. A grown-up with responsibilities. You realized you needed to learn how to bank. How to invest in an IRA. How to get your clothes dry cleaned. How to do your taxes. How to eat a steak without using just your hands. You were entering new territory.

...And then 31 hit. Blahhhh. Just a number closer to your inevitable gray hair and high waisted pants. Each year after 30 is like reducing your cruise control by 5 miles, when you started the trip at 75 mph. You may not feel like you're slowing down whatsoever, but you secretly know in your mind that you can't do things like you used to. You can't pull all-nighters anymore without looking like a troll doll the next day. You can't work out hardcore in the gym without pulling something. You can't eat 3 lbs of chili because you'll get heartburn. And you can't make jokes about troll dolls without really aging yourself.

So here I am. About to hit 60 mph on the highway of old (don't be lazy, do the math). About to endeavor on yet another boring number in my 30's. It wouldn't be so bad if I actually looked my age, but since I'm cursed with handsome youthful looks - it's torture. It also doesn't help that I have the mental capacity of a 90-year-old at this point. So I guess this means it's introspection time. The standard question we all ask ourselves: "What have I accomplished with my life so far"?

I equate life to a video game. Every year is a new different level. Last year you may have beat Bowser and saved the princess, but this is a new year and Bowser's back and angrier than ever...and in 3D. So how do you get to the next level? How do you beat Bowser this year when he's roid raging and foaming at the mouth....in 3D? Well, I guess (like in video games) you need to have goals. Goals that will help ward off the boredom that is "life". If we didn't accomplish our goals in life (or at least try), then the game would be over. Life would be pointless. Might as well just sit on the couch and waste away.

And so I present to you my list of goals that will help me reach the next level in life. To be completed by November 17th, 2011 (we'll start with the easier ones and build to the more difficult ones).



1) Take another cruise.


2) Learn how to do the Merengue (Latin dance).


3) Learn how to say merengue.


4) Find out if lemon merengue pies are real, or just something I made up by not knowing how to say merengue.


5) Color my hair blond to see if I look like a Japanese Anime character.


6) Learn how to shoot fireballs out of my hands. (on the condition Goal #5 is successful)


7) Make more money by doing nothing.


8) Come down sick with a cold, but rename it specifically after myself and call it a "hot".


9) Learn how to "dry cry" while watching sad movies. (crying without tears so you don't look so much like the sissy you are)


10) Create a database of demotivational quotes for cats. "Those who meow, don't matter. And those who matter, don't meow."


11) Spend an entire day only communicating with people using a Handface (you know, when you make a fist, draw eyes on your knuckles and use your thumb as a moving mouth)


12) Punch Justin Bieber in the face (I think we all know why)


13) Teach my Handface how to beatbox.


14) Find the girl of my dreams...then ask her why she's always trying to murder me in my dreams.


15) Procure a patent for the HD Window. "Looking out this window is so lifelike. It's like I'm there."


16) Eat the leftovers in my refrigerator AFTER they've already expired to build up my immunities (or just to see if I develop any mutant powers).


17) Read a book...in 3D


18) Vacuum my yard.


19) Invent a "Theme Song app" that allows you to walk around to your own theme song depending on mood and environment. Shaft!!


20) Find the cure for cancer by using only Gummi Bears. The cure is in there somewhere. I know it!




Now it would be great if I could mark every item off this list by my next birthday, but if I don't - no big worries. I plan on living forever anyway. That's right! I'm hedging my bets that by the time I'm 60, immortality will have been discovered. I'm putting my trust in the scientists (or the hippies), whichever one happens to discover the fountain of youth first. All hail those that are smarter than us (or willing to test weird drugs on themselves). Peace out.

Alex's Awesome Guide to Parenting: A How-To For Raising a Tiny Human

What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you think "Alex"? That's right! Great parent! Now even though I don't have any kids (Que the standard "...that I know of" joke and throw in a rim shot while you're at it), I like to think I'd make a great parent one day. I've watched a lot of tv and movies and I'm confident that puts me in a good position to give parenting advice. So with great pleasure, I present to you "Alex's Awesome Guide to Parenting: A How-To For Raising A Tiny Human." And stay tuned for the next chapter in my series - "Alex's Guide to Selling Your Kids: A How-To For Getting Rid of That Annoying Tiny Human Living With You."


Let's go in order and start at the beginning stage, shall we:


Baby Stage ( aka "Is That All It Does?" Stage)


Rule #1: Always feed your baby before midnight. If you feed them after midnight, I'm pretty sure your baby will go into a cocoon state and emerge as an "evil gremlin baby".


Rule #2: Always change the baby's diapers from the right or left side of the baby, not facing it. Babies are known to pee only while you're changing the diaper, and they have incredible aim.


Rule #3: When going out in public with a baby, these are the appropriate methods of transportation: A safe reliable stroller. A baby seat. A baby backpack. One of those baby hammocks that tie around your neck. A large fashionable purse or bag (make sure the baby's head pokes out of the top for maximum cuteness).


Rule #4: To stop a baby from crying all night long, feed it ice cream and talk to it about its feelings. For girl babies, manicures and shopping will also help. Boy babies don't cry, so you don't have to worry about that.


Rule #5: If you are a female, never wear low-cut or revealing clothing around babies. Babies are well-documented perverts and love ogling women's breasts.


Rule #6: The proper way to bathe a baby is to use a soft washcloth with mild soap, and gently swipe warm water over it. Lighting candles and playing a Yanni CD is highly recommended to enhance the baby's experience.


Rule #7: Never smell a baby for more than 5 seconds. Babies give off a natural pheromone that instantly turns people into unintelligible idiots. If you've been affected, you'll recognize it when you begin speaking in tongues and making goofy faces. The only cure is to quarantine yourself.




Toddler Stage (aka "I'm Pretty Sure It's a Tiny Drunk Version of Me" Stage)


Rule #1: Never give a toddler candy. Candy is the human equivalent of crack to a toddler. Instead, give your toddler crack. Crack is the human equivalent of candy to a toddler.


Rule #2: Teaching your toddler how to sing "Crank That" by Soulja Boy is heavily frowned upon. Instead, teach them how to sing "Get Low" by Lil Jon. Those lyrics make a lot more sense.


Rule #3: Dressing up your toddler as a miniature version of you is not o.k. The only exception is if you truly commit and glue miniature facial hair to them as well. There's nothing more hilarious than a toddler with facial hair. (except maybe armpit hair)


Rule #4: Toddler's should never be allowed to sit in the front seat of a vehicle. They always pick the crappiest music to listen to.


Rule #5: If you are a single parent, using a toddler to pick-up potential dates is acceptable. Using them to pick-up your pet's droppings while out walking the dog is not. (this should only be done in the "Child Stage" when their hands are larger for grasping)


Rule #6: Toddlers are known to be very clumsy. If your toddler happens to fall down while you're watching them, make sure you point and laugh first. This will let them know it's not ok to fall down.


Rule #7: When teaching your toddler how to communicate with words, try to teach them the completely wrong words for objects. For example: If you're teaching them the word for "Car", tell them that it's a "Donkey". This will help stave off any potential parental boredom in the future stages.




Child Stage (aka "You're Breaking All My Stuff" Stage)


Rule #1: Children greatly dislike taking baths. To remedy this, put green food coloring in the bathtub and tell them it's toxic waste that might give them super mutant powers if they jump in.


Rule #2: Teaching your child how to play sports is of the utmost importance. This is the equivalent of investing in a Roth IRA for retirement, except so much smarter. If your child does not show signs of athleticism, keep having children until you finally get one that is good at sports.


Rule #3: It's ok to let your child watch scary movies. This is a great teaching tool. For example: If you want your child to clean his/her room - just tell them that if they don't clean their room Freddy's gonna come get them. It's sort of like using the "being good" Santa Clause method, except way more fun.


Rule #4: Children are well-known kleptomaniacs. They're going to end up stealing something whether you want them to or not. So make sure when they do - it's something you can actually use. Like an Ipod or a machine gun.


Rule #5: Encourage your child to use curse words as often as possible. This way you can use them to tell someone you hate to go "f@#$ themselves" without risking getting punched in the face. Kids say the darndest things...


Rule #6: Children really aren't at an age where they know what's fashionable or not. Definitely take advantage of their ignorance for as long as you can. I prefer the "Everyday is Halloween" method of dressing. You can even do theme weeks - like vegetable costumes one week, and then tiny ninjas the next.


Rule #7: To avoid having a bratty child, never give them anything but the necessities. Things you can give them: food, water, clothes, shelter. Things to avoid: video games, tv, pizza, love.

...And there you have it. I hope all of you parents and future parents learned something. Now go put my advice to good use and git yo parenting on!

Diamond in the Rough

Once in a lifetime.

That's about how often great discoveries happen. If you're really lucky: Twice..maybe. But for most of us, it will be one time or less. And when that moment occurs, every bone in your body quivers with the excitement that something very special has just been found. I am honored to say that I have, for the first time in my life, experienced my one great discovery.

It all began with a ribald night of chocolate and charity (A silent auction fundraiser). Sugar coursing through my veins , I was on a natural high. And the alcohol certainly aided in my contentment. I was right smack dab in the "sweet spot" of relaxation and zen. As I eyed the silent auction tables from afar, I caught a glimmer of something. A twinkle - as if this object were winking only at me. It sat there on the table as just a blur at first, but I knew that I had to make my way over. It was my destiny. I walked slowly towards the light, each step bringing the object more and more into focus. By the time I made it to the table, everything became clear. I was blind, but now I see! My eyes dilated fully to take in all of the beauty. It was truly spectacular to behold.

Maybe it was the combination of alcohol and chocolate, but I felt at that moment that I had found my purpose in life. It was to bid on this item. Words can't possibly describe the beauty of this treasure, so I will just have to show you. Now be warned: Something like this (even though it is only a photograph) can still blind you with its beauty. You may want to sit down first:


Behold!




And from another angle:



After I took a deep breath to calm myself, I began to examine the piece. I could not believe my luck! No one had bid on it yet. In a room of 300 people, I had managed to be the only one who truly realized what was in front of me. I leaned over to my friend Jamie and whispered "I've found what I came here for."

From the accurate hand molded replication of a frankfurter, to the color variations on the jade plate - I knew that the artist was a undiscovered genius. The lifelike depictions were truly uncanny. I almost thought someone had taken real objects and placed them onto a plate. But after careful analyzation I realized that the objects were indeed fabrications. I also realized that the artist had a lot to say about humanity. From the thoughtfully positioned strawberry, to the carefully wrapped mint - this piece represented the heartbreak of childhood and the insecurities of manhood. We were all human. I'm not sure what the stick of butter stands for, but I know Paula Deen would have been proud.

After slowly contemplating how much I would have to bid, I finally made the difficult decision against it. I thought it would have been selfish to keep this art for myself. It was meant to be seen by the world. Meant to be celebrated. But as my good fortune would have it - Jamie (recognizing my inner battle over the piece) decided to find someone to place a bid on my behalf. Sometimes people can still surprise you by their thoughtfulness. What a truly kind act of generosity. I'm not sure how I could ever repay her, but I will one day. And ohhhh you better believe I will get her back.

Well, long story short - I now own a piece of modern art. And I need your help to tell me where to display this magnificent achievement in my house.

Here are a few ideas I've had...


On my end table:























As the center piece on my dining room table:

























In my bathroom:

In my bedroom:

Next to a cat:



















On my head like a hat:

Annnndddd.....Whoops! How did that get in there?

One New Thing fail...

I suck at doing One New Thing a day. Oh well, back to doing Crack.

One New Thing A Day - Day 1 (7/6/10)

My very first foray into the unknown was a simple endeavor. At my gym there lives a ferocious beast. A sharp-fanged blood thirsty machine that is feared by most, if not all. This brute’s name is Jacob’s Ladder. A torturous looking device that I never dared set foot or hand upon. Laying dormant in the center of a sea of treadmills, it waits. Unassuming, yet deadly. I’ve seen many a person try to tackle this machine only to be tossed aside, face-first in their own pool of sweat. I had never even considered taking it on, but with new promises – come new adventures.

So I stroll up to the legendary creature and begin to circle it. I size it up with a squint in my eyes, so as to avoid any direct eye contact. A crowd of onlookers from the treadmills recognize what I am about to do, and wait with gasped breath. There’s no going back now.

I gaze upon the instructions printed on the side. If not for the easy-to-decipher pictogram, I would have been totally lost. I read it once. Nothing made sense. I glance around the room to make sure I haven’t been identified as a fraud just yet. Then I read the instructions again. I manage to identify Step 1. I have to attach myself to the machine. Attach myself with a belt that I see on the ground. And chained to the belt is a single threaded steal wire that disappears into the guts of the beast. I am becoming one with the machine.

After I click the belt around my waist, I proceed to mount this foul creature. I place my feet on the bottom rungs, and then lift my body and place my arms at the top rungs. The belt tightens and then begins to pull on the steal wire. As I climb up the rungs, they begin to move. I realize that the Jacob’s Ladder was appropriately named, for I must move my body as if I am climbing a ladder. An endless ladder of pain!

Actually, it wasn’t that bad. The higher I climb the faster the ladder goes. And then I’m off. Five minutes of the most exhilarating feeling I’ve ever had (not really though). I conquered the beast! And it had turned out to be a pussy cat. What a great accomplishment. Day 1 was complete.

One New Thing A Day - Day 3 (7/8/10)

So here’s the deal: I’m bored with everything. Nothing thrills me anymore. Life has become a revolving door and the scenery is always the same. I’m at a point in my life where I need to get clarity soon or else I’m going to disintegrate into averageness. I wasn’t built to be average. I don’t think I was created to be run-of-the-mill. Call it narcissism. Call it an early mid-life crisis. Call it what you will. All I know is something needs to change. And I have the power to change it.

And this is how I’m going to do it. With an experiment. With a human subject. A good-looking, suave and sophisticated Asian subject with a killer smile. That’s right! Jackie Chan. And since I don’t have the means of contacting Jackie Chan, I’ll just have to use myself.

This is my master plan: For the next 365 days, I’m going to attempt to do one thing – each day – that I’ve never done before. It doesn’t have to be huge or extravagant. It just needs to be something new. Something different that I’m not used to. And I’m going to use this blog as a virtual checks-and-balances. I want everyone to hold me responsible for keeping up with this task. If I miss a day, then I’ve already failed. This is the perfect time in my life to do this. I have no ties. No family. No kids. I’m not dating anyone. I don’t have any life threatening diseases that I know of (besides Awesomeitis). And I’m not bound to any one place. I’m a clean slate looking to get a bit messy. And ideas are always welcome.



Note: (This post is actually my third day of doing my One New Thing plan. I'm counting writing in my blog consistently as something that is new to me, hence the title "Day 3")

Shilex's Dating Rules

[written one-year ago on my Facebook - still relevant]


(Caution: Use at your own risk)



So I consider myself an expert at dating…..an expert at doing everything wrong. I think my track record of unsuccessful dates speaks for itself. Therefore, this qualifies me to give dating advice (I’m drawing this conclusion by citing the Cruise vs. Lauer case. Don’t be glib. I’ve done the research).

And why this topic? Well, I was thinking that I haven’t gone out on many dates in the past few months. Haven’t really wanted to (I’ve got my reasons). At least I’m pretty sure I haven’t asked anyone out (but I don’t really know what qualifies as asking someone out on a date anymore). Apparently, just having dinner with someone qualifies as a date to some people. Can’t a guy just be hungry and want company? And then there’s the people who think that being at the same event at the same time is considered a date (really?). I’ve been questioned before by others about when I started dating the person I was with, and my response has always been “I Unno” - as in, “I don’t know”. So I’m not that great at identifying what exactly qualifies as a date, but I am great at identifying when I think it’s a date.


And these are some of the things I have learned that I now pass on to you:


-Never ever invite the girl to meet at your house before the date. This is a mistake. Then she knows where you live. If possible, arrange to meet at an abandoned warehouse.


-Don’t bring a girl flowers on the first date. This screams “desperate”. Instead, bring her a vase filled with only water. Then tell her that if she ever wants to see the flowers alive again, she’ll wire $10,000 to the bank account written on vase. This will show her that you mean business.


-When you arrive at the restaurant, make sure you park close to the entrance. This ensures that your date doesn’t see how winded and sweaty you get when you have to walk more than 10 feet.


-Always open doors for your date. If the door is one of those deceptively heavy doors (the ones that make you look like a weakling because you didn’t expect it to be so difficult to open), remember to overcompensate when you leave by slamming that door open (that’ll show it who’s boss!).


-At dinner, order the most expensive item on the menu for yourself. You don’t want to appear cheap. Then keep the receipt so that later you can write off the meal on your taxes as a “business dinner”.


-If you happen to get your food before your date, don’t start eating it and then taunting your date with the “I’m Eating and You’re Not” song you just made up.


-Bring breath mints. Specifically Mentos. It’s the fresh maker. It can also make your Diet Coke explode and that’s pretty awesome.


-If she offers to pay for the meal, don’t argue and just let her. Then closely watch her face. If she appears angry, then it was just her playing a game of “let me get it, no I’ll get it…” and she really wanted you to pay. This makes her a liar liar pants on fire.


-If the date’s not going well, whatever you do don’t ask her if she’s got any hot friends that you can meet up with later.


-Make sure you make eye contact during the date, but not too much eye contact. For some weird reason people find it creepy if you stare with your eyes wide open without blinking or talking for extended periods.


-It’s ok to kiss on the first date. However, it’s not ok to pretend to go in for a kiss and then at the last second yell “PSYCH! You just got OWND!” and walk away.

Grease Lightning

So I usually consider my ramblings to be of the humorous sort. I will personally label them as "chiclets of funny". Pocket-sized nuggets of hilarious. That's just my opinion, and whether you laugh or not is totally dependent on your sense of humor. Some will chuckle, most will shrug it off as the demented writings of a bored wannabe sitcom writer. Either way, all it takes is one person laughing to bring me pleasure. One person to find relatable humor in something I observed. That right there shows me that I'm not alone. That it's not just a one-man inside joke. With that being said, I'm going to take a serious turn for a change... And if just one person finds something relatable in this - then I'm satisfied.

Before I begin, I want you to do something for me. I want you to come with me to make-believe land. Pretend for the moment (if you can) that politics don't apply. That whether you lean right or left, or up or down - it's not important for the next 5 minutes. Think of it as political purgatory for the purpose of this musing. After you finish reading this you can go off and shout to the high heavens what you believe would make this country a perfect place to live, but for the time being just pretend you have no political views whatsoever.

Ok, now that we've gotten that out of the way (and while you're still here in make-believe land) I want you to imagine something else for me. Hopefully you still have some creative juices left. [I know the agony and exhaustion you're probably experiencing after having to pretend to not have a political affiliation.] So with all the energy you have left, I want you to imagine yourself walking down the street with your significant other (wife, girlfriend, husband, boyfriend, dog, etc). You're strolling without a care in the world, eating ice cream cones with the love of your life. As you're making your way through the city you don't notice that someone is waiting in a dark alley... watching you... biding their time. Slowly waiting for you to pass. Now imagine this faceless person sneaking up behind you with a knife, grabbing you and stabbing the edge into your side. The blade cuts deep into you, and as the mystery man extracts the knife, blood begins pouring out. He flees, and you fall to the ground clutching your side. Your life draining away. Now imagine your significant other casually walking over to a bench, calling 911 with her cellphone, and then finishing her ice cream cone.

This is exactly what I believe is happening right before our eyes with this oil disaster. The Earth has been punctured and is bleeding out, and all we can do is casually finish our ice cream cones while we wait for someone somewhere to get their act together and save this planet. Just to clarify, this isn't a "green" agenda or an "environmental" agenda. It's a "life" agenda. Whether you want to believe it or not, the Earth is a living creature. Like our own human bodies, it functions in miraculous ways we can't explain. Each and every part is important in the survival of this body. And if you take away one piece, the rest will quickly die without it.

I don't consider myself an intellectual (as you can tell by all the grammatical errors littered throughout this rant). I know my shortfalls and I accept them. I wish I knew all the answers because if I did, I would constantly be butting into your business. But I don't. I'm not smart enough to tell someone "Trust me. I know best." But I am smart enough to know this: If someone's bleeding, the quicker we stop that bleeding - the greater the chance that person will survive. I don't have the answer to the question of "How do we stop the oil?", but I do know that someone out there - much smarter than me - must certainly know.

So then why the laissez-faire attitude? Why aren't we doing more? I see a lot of people shouting "Grrrrr. I'm soooo angry!!! Look at all these dead animals!!!" "Let's boycott BP!", yet there still doesn't seem to be any immediacy. How can we just stand by while we watch the complete destruction of our home? The oil leak is only the pebble right now. It's the ripples we need to be worried about. This affects everyone. The Gulf of Mexico is quickly turning into a dead sea and our ecosystem, our food supplies, our health, our climate, and our general well-being will suffer. To say that it would not would be ignorant (or complete denial).

So the question I have to bring up is "What can we do?". This is exactly what I want to know. What can we do? No one actively goes out and looks for something to be depressed about. We go out of our ways not to see depressing things or anything that will affect our sense of happiness. But I do think this is something we should be watching. This is something we should be learning more about and not turning away from. Not so we can be depressed, but so we can be inspired. That's what I need right now. Inspiration. To know that this isn't a hopeless situation and that we can do something. That we can rally together and inspire change, instead of just sitting in our homes and saying "Oh how horrible. BP sucks." and then go about our regular lives as if nothing happened.

Look at all the amazing things we do as human beings when we see another in need. We come together in times of tragedy and surprise even ourselves. All for the sake of saving humanity. So where is our humanity right now? This is more than just dead animals and oil. This is about asking ourselves, "Should I just stand by and finish my ice cream cone while someone else fixes the problem - or should we come together to light a fire beneath the asses of the asses that are handling things?" I need to believe we can, because if we can't then why did we even bother calling 911?

It's Fun Being Alive

Isn't being alive great? All the cool things you can do. You can breathe. You can eat. You can secretly mock people who aren't alive. Yeah...being alive rocks. And just so everyone knows, I am still alive and will hopefully one day update this blog. Wait...I think I just did. Awesome.