One New Thing A Day - Day 1 (7/6/10)

My very first foray into the unknown was a simple endeavor. At my gym there lives a ferocious beast. A sharp-fanged blood thirsty machine that is feared by most, if not all. This brute’s name is Jacob’s Ladder. A torturous looking device that I never dared set foot or hand upon. Laying dormant in the center of a sea of treadmills, it waits. Unassuming, yet deadly. I’ve seen many a person try to tackle this machine only to be tossed aside, face-first in their own pool of sweat. I had never even considered taking it on, but with new promises – come new adventures.

So I stroll up to the legendary creature and begin to circle it. I size it up with a squint in my eyes, so as to avoid any direct eye contact. A crowd of onlookers from the treadmills recognize what I am about to do, and wait with gasped breath. There’s no going back now.

I gaze upon the instructions printed on the side. If not for the easy-to-decipher pictogram, I would have been totally lost. I read it once. Nothing made sense. I glance around the room to make sure I haven’t been identified as a fraud just yet. Then I read the instructions again. I manage to identify Step 1. I have to attach myself to the machine. Attach myself with a belt that I see on the ground. And chained to the belt is a single threaded steal wire that disappears into the guts of the beast. I am becoming one with the machine.

After I click the belt around my waist, I proceed to mount this foul creature. I place my feet on the bottom rungs, and then lift my body and place my arms at the top rungs. The belt tightens and then begins to pull on the steal wire. As I climb up the rungs, they begin to move. I realize that the Jacob’s Ladder was appropriately named, for I must move my body as if I am climbing a ladder. An endless ladder of pain!

Actually, it wasn’t that bad. The higher I climb the faster the ladder goes. And then I’m off. Five minutes of the most exhilarating feeling I’ve ever had (not really though). I conquered the beast! And it had turned out to be a pussy cat. What a great accomplishment. Day 1 was complete.

One New Thing A Day - Day 3 (7/8/10)

So here’s the deal: I’m bored with everything. Nothing thrills me anymore. Life has become a revolving door and the scenery is always the same. I’m at a point in my life where I need to get clarity soon or else I’m going to disintegrate into averageness. I wasn’t built to be average. I don’t think I was created to be run-of-the-mill. Call it narcissism. Call it an early mid-life crisis. Call it what you will. All I know is something needs to change. And I have the power to change it.

And this is how I’m going to do it. With an experiment. With a human subject. A good-looking, suave and sophisticated Asian subject with a killer smile. That’s right! Jackie Chan. And since I don’t have the means of contacting Jackie Chan, I’ll just have to use myself.

This is my master plan: For the next 365 days, I’m going to attempt to do one thing – each day – that I’ve never done before. It doesn’t have to be huge or extravagant. It just needs to be something new. Something different that I’m not used to. And I’m going to use this blog as a virtual checks-and-balances. I want everyone to hold me responsible for keeping up with this task. If I miss a day, then I’ve already failed. This is the perfect time in my life to do this. I have no ties. No family. No kids. I’m not dating anyone. I don’t have any life threatening diseases that I know of (besides Awesomeitis). And I’m not bound to any one place. I’m a clean slate looking to get a bit messy. And ideas are always welcome.



Note: (This post is actually my third day of doing my One New Thing plan. I'm counting writing in my blog consistently as something that is new to me, hence the title "Day 3")

Shilex's Dating Rules

[written one-year ago on my Facebook - still relevant]


(Caution: Use at your own risk)



So I consider myself an expert at dating…..an expert at doing everything wrong. I think my track record of unsuccessful dates speaks for itself. Therefore, this qualifies me to give dating advice (I’m drawing this conclusion by citing the Cruise vs. Lauer case. Don’t be glib. I’ve done the research).

And why this topic? Well, I was thinking that I haven’t gone out on many dates in the past few months. Haven’t really wanted to (I’ve got my reasons). At least I’m pretty sure I haven’t asked anyone out (but I don’t really know what qualifies as asking someone out on a date anymore). Apparently, just having dinner with someone qualifies as a date to some people. Can’t a guy just be hungry and want company? And then there’s the people who think that being at the same event at the same time is considered a date (really?). I’ve been questioned before by others about when I started dating the person I was with, and my response has always been “I Unno” - as in, “I don’t know”. So I’m not that great at identifying what exactly qualifies as a date, but I am great at identifying when I think it’s a date.


And these are some of the things I have learned that I now pass on to you:


-Never ever invite the girl to meet at your house before the date. This is a mistake. Then she knows where you live. If possible, arrange to meet at an abandoned warehouse.


-Don’t bring a girl flowers on the first date. This screams “desperate”. Instead, bring her a vase filled with only water. Then tell her that if she ever wants to see the flowers alive again, she’ll wire $10,000 to the bank account written on vase. This will show her that you mean business.


-When you arrive at the restaurant, make sure you park close to the entrance. This ensures that your date doesn’t see how winded and sweaty you get when you have to walk more than 10 feet.


-Always open doors for your date. If the door is one of those deceptively heavy doors (the ones that make you look like a weakling because you didn’t expect it to be so difficult to open), remember to overcompensate when you leave by slamming that door open (that’ll show it who’s boss!).


-At dinner, order the most expensive item on the menu for yourself. You don’t want to appear cheap. Then keep the receipt so that later you can write off the meal on your taxes as a “business dinner”.


-If you happen to get your food before your date, don’t start eating it and then taunting your date with the “I’m Eating and You’re Not” song you just made up.


-Bring breath mints. Specifically Mentos. It’s the fresh maker. It can also make your Diet Coke explode and that’s pretty awesome.


-If she offers to pay for the meal, don’t argue and just let her. Then closely watch her face. If she appears angry, then it was just her playing a game of “let me get it, no I’ll get it…” and she really wanted you to pay. This makes her a liar liar pants on fire.


-If the date’s not going well, whatever you do don’t ask her if she’s got any hot friends that you can meet up with later.


-Make sure you make eye contact during the date, but not too much eye contact. For some weird reason people find it creepy if you stare with your eyes wide open without blinking or talking for extended periods.


-It’s ok to kiss on the first date. However, it’s not ok to pretend to go in for a kiss and then at the last second yell “PSYCH! You just got OWND!” and walk away.

Grease Lightning

So I usually consider my ramblings to be of the humorous sort. I will personally label them as "chiclets of funny". Pocket-sized nuggets of hilarious. That's just my opinion, and whether you laugh or not is totally dependent on your sense of humor. Some will chuckle, most will shrug it off as the demented writings of a bored wannabe sitcom writer. Either way, all it takes is one person laughing to bring me pleasure. One person to find relatable humor in something I observed. That right there shows me that I'm not alone. That it's not just a one-man inside joke. With that being said, I'm going to take a serious turn for a change... And if just one person finds something relatable in this - then I'm satisfied.

Before I begin, I want you to do something for me. I want you to come with me to make-believe land. Pretend for the moment (if you can) that politics don't apply. That whether you lean right or left, or up or down - it's not important for the next 5 minutes. Think of it as political purgatory for the purpose of this musing. After you finish reading this you can go off and shout to the high heavens what you believe would make this country a perfect place to live, but for the time being just pretend you have no political views whatsoever.

Ok, now that we've gotten that out of the way (and while you're still here in make-believe land) I want you to imagine something else for me. Hopefully you still have some creative juices left. [I know the agony and exhaustion you're probably experiencing after having to pretend to not have a political affiliation.] So with all the energy you have left, I want you to imagine yourself walking down the street with your significant other (wife, girlfriend, husband, boyfriend, dog, etc). You're strolling without a care in the world, eating ice cream cones with the love of your life. As you're making your way through the city you don't notice that someone is waiting in a dark alley... watching you... biding their time. Slowly waiting for you to pass. Now imagine this faceless person sneaking up behind you with a knife, grabbing you and stabbing the edge into your side. The blade cuts deep into you, and as the mystery man extracts the knife, blood begins pouring out. He flees, and you fall to the ground clutching your side. Your life draining away. Now imagine your significant other casually walking over to a bench, calling 911 with her cellphone, and then finishing her ice cream cone.

This is exactly what I believe is happening right before our eyes with this oil disaster. The Earth has been punctured and is bleeding out, and all we can do is casually finish our ice cream cones while we wait for someone somewhere to get their act together and save this planet. Just to clarify, this isn't a "green" agenda or an "environmental" agenda. It's a "life" agenda. Whether you want to believe it or not, the Earth is a living creature. Like our own human bodies, it functions in miraculous ways we can't explain. Each and every part is important in the survival of this body. And if you take away one piece, the rest will quickly die without it.

I don't consider myself an intellectual (as you can tell by all the grammatical errors littered throughout this rant). I know my shortfalls and I accept them. I wish I knew all the answers because if I did, I would constantly be butting into your business. But I don't. I'm not smart enough to tell someone "Trust me. I know best." But I am smart enough to know this: If someone's bleeding, the quicker we stop that bleeding - the greater the chance that person will survive. I don't have the answer to the question of "How do we stop the oil?", but I do know that someone out there - much smarter than me - must certainly know.

So then why the laissez-faire attitude? Why aren't we doing more? I see a lot of people shouting "Grrrrr. I'm soooo angry!!! Look at all these dead animals!!!" "Let's boycott BP!", yet there still doesn't seem to be any immediacy. How can we just stand by while we watch the complete destruction of our home? The oil leak is only the pebble right now. It's the ripples we need to be worried about. This affects everyone. The Gulf of Mexico is quickly turning into a dead sea and our ecosystem, our food supplies, our health, our climate, and our general well-being will suffer. To say that it would not would be ignorant (or complete denial).

So the question I have to bring up is "What can we do?". This is exactly what I want to know. What can we do? No one actively goes out and looks for something to be depressed about. We go out of our ways not to see depressing things or anything that will affect our sense of happiness. But I do think this is something we should be watching. This is something we should be learning more about and not turning away from. Not so we can be depressed, but so we can be inspired. That's what I need right now. Inspiration. To know that this isn't a hopeless situation and that we can do something. That we can rally together and inspire change, instead of just sitting in our homes and saying "Oh how horrible. BP sucks." and then go about our regular lives as if nothing happened.

Look at all the amazing things we do as human beings when we see another in need. We come together in times of tragedy and surprise even ourselves. All for the sake of saving humanity. So where is our humanity right now? This is more than just dead animals and oil. This is about asking ourselves, "Should I just stand by and finish my ice cream cone while someone else fixes the problem - or should we come together to light a fire beneath the asses of the asses that are handling things?" I need to believe we can, because if we can't then why did we even bother calling 911?

It's Fun Being Alive

Isn't being alive great? All the cool things you can do. You can breathe. You can eat. You can secretly mock people who aren't alive. Yeah...being alive rocks. And just so everyone knows, I am still alive and will hopefully one day update this blog. Wait...I think I just did. Awesome.

When wonders cease...

Today began and I got out of bed with a puffy face (a lingering reminder that my sleep was not quite deep enough or long enough), and I immediately went to my parents house. My purpose being to clean out the leftovers from the fridge I had conveniently forgotten about while they were on vacation. There’s something quite gloomy about an empty house that’s been purposely forgotten. I always feel the need to spend some quality time there as if to lift the house’s spirits and assure it that it won’t be forgotten for much longer. So during this visit, I decide to go through some of my old belongings.

As I’m rummaging, I come across a Warrant pin I had bought when I was about ten. Some of you may not know who or what Warrant is, but those of you familiar with the 80s know immediately that they were an awesomely bad hair band whose hit songs can be counted on one hand (a hand with two fingers cut off). As I recall, I purchased this pin at a gift store during a school field trip. It was one of those purchases made out of necessity - as in, “My parents had given me $5 to spend on anything I wanted and it was a necessity to spend it or else the $5 would be returned to where it came from” ($5 was like hitting the jackpot back then).

So I bought a plastic blow-up ball with sand in it (so when you threw it, it would wobble and become nearly impossible to catch) and a Warrant pin. I was attracted to this particular pin because of the caricature drawing of a fat man with a wad of cash in his hands (Warrant’s hit album at the time was Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich). I had also remembered a song of theirs that I liked and thought it would be cool if I had a pin of a popular band. [And just to add some insight, pins were actually very popular back then. All the kids had them and would put them on their backpacks at school.] This was actually my very first pin ever. I was extremely excited and wore that pin around the entire day. It’s amazing to me how I would remember such a small thing and the impact it had on me at that time.

Later this afternoon I went out to the ballpark to help out at the TV station’s booth. It was Kid’s Day so we had prizes and balloons to give out. One of my tasks was to hand out balloons to the kids (so easy a caveman could do it). And as I’m giving out these balloons I’m watching the excitement in the kid’s eyes. I’m watching their spirits rise, and I wonder if this is one of those moments they will remember forever - their very own “Warrant” moment maybe. This thought stays with me until I get home.

At home I realize that I have my one opportunity to cut the grass before the rain gets here. Cutting the grass is a monotonous chore and I tend to just shut off my mind and go with the flow (aren’t Ipods the best?). But today’s insignificant events made me think more about when I was a child. So as I cut the grass my memories of childhood in the country began to spring forth.

I remembered back to the days that my father would finally cut the overly long grass, and my sister and I would get so excited. We would tear off our shoes and race outside to follow behind dad on his riding lawnmower. It wasn’t because we wanted to help, but because the paths he cut through the grass was a wonderland. It was our secret maze we had to maneuver out off. I remember the feel of the soft grass beneath my feet, and lying down in it hidden by the surrounding walls of overgrown green. I remember the feeling of being completely in the moment. Of a wonder and amazement that can’t be duplicated. And as I’m reflecting on these childhood feelings, I begin to realize that I haven’t felt that way in a very long time. And it made me sad.

The world moves so fast now as an adult. We’re on from one thing to another and don’t have time to cherish anymore. Relationships come and go, as do our possessions. It’s a different kind of feeling now. A brief glimmer of what it used to be. Thinking back to those kids at the ballpark with the balloons, I worry about them. Especially because they’re part of a new generation of sensory overload and instant gratification. Will the balloons be just another fleeting moment or will it stick with them? In case you’re wondering, there is no moral to this story and I’m not looking for any solutions. It’s just a reflection on my day, and on a subject that has been contemplated many times by men far greater than me. It’s about a reality that’s too real to surprise us anymore. Just a part of being an adult I guess - Becoming disillusioned with wonder. Isn’t that a shame?

Existing is Pretty Much All I Do

And now I would like introduce my new monthly series called "Things That Should Exist, But Don't":

The Number 3 Toilet

This is a toilet specifically designed for going #3. You may be asking yourself, "What is a #3?". Well, a #3 is anything that comes out of your mouth (i.e. barf). Don't you hate it when you have the urge to upchuck, but you don't want to get near that dirty toilet? Wouldn't passing out drunk cradling a toilet be much more comfortable if you had a Number 3 Toilet? It even comes with a comfortable face cushion in your choice of colors!

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The Organic Vegan Cow





















Imagine all the cancer fighting benefits of vegetables combined with the delicious true taste of a cow. Well imagine no more. This wonderful abomination of nature was created from genetically altered "cow seeds" and grown naturally in the nutrient rich soils of Montana. No more inhuman slaughter houses - just pick when ripe and enjoy the delicious meaty taste of all natural meat.
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The Bra-colli



Keeping with the "green" theme, I introduce to you the Bra-colli. Nutritious and supporting, the Bra-colli is the woman's best friend. How many times have you wanted a healthy snack on the go, but could never find room in your purse to keep it? Well, the Bra-colli is the solution to your problem, and it also gives you that natural enhanced look. Ranch dressing (10 packets) included!

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The Bee-Bee Gun



Nothing says "I give up!" like a face full of bees. This bee shooter is the perfect way to resolve any tense stand-off situation while leaving the other party practically unharmed (unless the other party is allergic to bees - whoops). Perfect for children of all ages and bears.

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And there you have it. The very first edition of "Things That Should Exist, But Don't". Next month: "How Photoshop Can Waste Your Time".